And the Walls Keep Tumbling Down

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And the Walls Keep Tumbling Down

When I started on this journey to remember who I am and discover what I need to do, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I knew I would have to critically examine and deeply question every aspect of my life. I knew I would have to scrupulously determine what works in my life and what doesn’t. I knew I would have to doggedly make the changes necessary to get myself back to me. I have built so many walls over the years. Yet, as I dig and scrape away the mortar, as I loosen and remove each stone, as I slowly tear down each carefully constructed wall, I get a little be closer to me.

Sometimes, it’s easy. The mortar flakes away like dust and one carefully removed stone weakens the structure to the point that the entire wall collapses in one fell swoop. More often then not, each stone stays fast, and only through a lot of digging and prying and loosening on my part am I able to disassemble the wall, one stubborn stone at a time. It’s not easy work. There have been tears and remorse and deep sadness. From time to time, I just sit in the shade of the wall unable to move.

But I keep going. I keep going because of the sense of satisfaction and joy and pure relief I feel as each stone falls. No matter how tired or broken I am when that stone hits the ground, a smile plays over my lips. Sometimes there are more tears, but this time they are happy, well-earned tears. I dry my eyes. I look up. Another wall looms.

I’ve been dreading the wall before me today. It’s much taller than any I’ve faced to date. I’m sure it’s much thicker as well. My stomach tightens. Sheer terror overtakes me as the feelings of fear well up in my chest. I haven’t laid a finger on it and already they ache anticipating the work ahead. The next wall is forgiveness.

For years, I’ve read about forgiveness in countless books and articles. I’ve listened to many learned people discuss both it’s virtues and trials at length. Intellectually, I understand what it is and who it’s for and why I have to tackle it. Getting the lesson from my head to my heart will not be easy. As I’ve diligently destroyed other walls, this one has remained in my sites. I’ve been preparing for this wall. You know, girding my lions and what not. It doesn’t matter. I do not want to attack.

The fact that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be successful, that I will dig, and scrape until each stone is gone, does not comfort me. I know that this wall will take everything I have. I know I will have to push myself beyond anything I’ve ever done before. I will have to look deep inside my broken heart and confront truths about others that I really don’t want to confront. But most of all I will have to confront truths about myself and that will be the most difficult.

Sadly, I don’t have a choice. I can’t go over this wall. There’s no way around it. I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.  I won’t choose to stay put. Staying put is not an option. At the beginning of this journey, I made a vow to myself. I vowed to find me. The wall to forgiveness is coming down.

 

“Forgiveness it not for them it is to free you. You deserve to be free.” – Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry shares his view of forgiveness.

 

5 Comments

  1. Forgiveness. That’s the hardest thing. But if anybody can pull that wall down it’s you, my friend.

    • Hugs…

  2. (from your last post) “And that’s when it hit me; I’m playing a shell game.” This just didn’t ring true to me! I have no idea of the details of what you’re going through but just knowing you through your blog in this short time, it seems as if you’ve moved in such a positive direction. Emotionally and physically.

    (from this post) “I keep going because of the sense of satisfaction and joy and pure relief I feel as each stone falls.” See??? You’re getting somewhere. Of course you’re right, another wall will always loom. Sigh.

    Thinking about you today.

    • I do believe it’s going in a positive direction. The biggest change is my willingness to tear down the walls. In times past, I just meandered around them and either justified their existence or pretended like they weren’t there. I spent a lot of time focused on what was going on outside of me rather then on what was going on inside. It’s all good. I feel prepared. I know I’m ready. That’s the biggest change.

  3. Tearing down walls sure beats backing up and bashing into them again, expecting a different outcome. It’s messy work, this wall tearing down thing, but one that is so valuable. Imagine the view!
    I have a friend that says walls are so confining, best to use a gate. You choose whom and what you let into your gate. You have full responsibility for who is in your yard. Clean your yard of unwanted things, better allowing your gate to swing. Good luck as you replace your wall with an inviting gate.

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