Calling Bullshit

Posted | 16 comments

Calling Bullshit

After my last post, I hit the wall. In addition to being physically tired, I am mentally drained from spending the last several months trying to figure IT out. You know, that thing I was put here to do. The thing I’m either too stupid to see or too stubborn to admit.

So, I did what I always do when confronted with overwhelm, I started rearranging the furniture in my house. This was followed by cleaning out closets and planning the gutting and remodeling of my master bath. After transforming the entryway and filling bags with stuff I no longer need for my good friends at Goodwill, I put on the brakes just seconds before taking a sledgehammer to the tile in the shower. I called bullshit on myself. I know this game of remodel-the-house-to-distract-myself-from-the-real-issues too well. I’ve been playing it for years.

Instead, I wallowed in my discomfort for a day or two until it became so great that I threw a mini tantrum (there were no witnesses so I can call it mini if I want) and picked a fight with the husband. This was followed by planning my escape (with the family, of course, and even the husband, I can’t stay mad).

Spain looked mighty fine and after an afternoon on the internet I had located a lovely villa on the cheap close to the train station and a stone’s throw from Barcelona. As I looked at exchange rates for the Euro, I realized that I know these games too. The game of get-mad-and-throw-a-fit, the game of pick-a-fight, and the game of run-away-to-another-place. I had to call bullshit on myself, again.

I went to bed and woke up the next morning still tired but with a better attitude for about a half a second after which I decided to quit. I would log off of my social networks and email account, put my iPhone in the drawer, and take my website down. I would go on a digital sabbatical (apparently it’s all the rage). What would I do on this withdrawal from the world? I had no idea. As I was trying to figure out how to disconnect my website, I recognized the game of put-your-head-in-the-sand.” Yes, bullshit, again.

Digital sabbatical shelved, I checked my email. A new blog comment showed up in my inbox. It was from a friend. In part, she said, “Denise. Maybe finding your passion is like falling in love; it happens when you stop trying so hard.” That’s my friend, calling me on my bullshit.

So, I’m not going to gut the bathroom or go to Spain, at least not immediately. I will make up with my husband, and continue to get rid of stuff I don’t need. I’m also going to keep writing and posting. I will show up socially both on the web and in person as time and desire for connection permit.

But the main thing I will try to do is to just stop trying so hard. And trust that just like falling in love, I will look over one day and IT will be there. Oh, and I have a feeling I will have to keep calling bullshit on myself. A lot.

16 Comments

  1. I can so relate to your season of life. Work is non-existent right now, and really has been for many months. I’ve gotten really tired of the schedule and monotony of production life anyway. I know I’m meant to be doing something else, but everything I enjoy doing doesn’t make any money! I hope your find peace for yourself in your present circumstances. I’m searching for it as well. Thanks for sharing!

    • “Season” that’s a good way to think about it. Soon we’ll be through this season and on to the next.

    • You are an excellent wiretr even if I have thought your writing seems sad sometimes! I am so glad you are honest! The truth will set you free, is true!

  2. Beautiful post…..been there, done that….and continue to also look for the thing. Carry on….do what you must and go forward, you might be surprised and fall into your passion…..I just became a R.N., for many reasons….but found my passion accidentally on the oncology/hospice floor….never did I imagine I would find comfort In helping patients and family members when facing the end stage of life.

    • You give us all hope. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Wow! Reading this is like reading my mind, Denise. Who knew that others were going through what I am right at this moment? I’ve taken a part time job thinking that IT would make me feel more fulfilled, but I’ve realized, not so much! Now I have less time for myself and find that this job is boring and completely unappealing. Still I continue to look, but I’ve also figured that baby steps is the way to go. At least I hope it is.

    Well written!

    • I’ve been there SO many times, Sandy. I think that the fear of choosing the wrong thing adds to my frustration. I just don’t want to waste any more time.

      From the other comments, I think it’s baby steps for us both and prayer and stillness.

  4. Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like? I don’t know, but I feel much the way you do… the ellusive IT. I think Pam gave you good advice. Do you pray? Sometimes I have to just sit and BE. You know, in that “be still and know I’m God” sort-of-way. Ask Him for the desires of your heart. Ask Him to help you learn to let go so you can run towards… I don’t know, but I think the “art” of striving is so exhausting. Like swimming the wrong way. Once we learn how to rock with it and stroke smarter, soon we’re flying through the water with hardly any effort at all.
    That may all be a terrible analogy, but I do find that when I can strive less, I can discover more.
    I wish you all the best as you set aside the bullshit and enjoy the here and now.

    • I choose to call it my “unraveling” as I like the idea of just coming a bit “undone” better than a pesky mid-life crisis. Mid-life crisis always make me think of sports cars and blondes and neither of those are my thing.

      I love the analogy of swimming. I’ve definitely not been “flying through the water” lately. Sadly, to the observer I’m sure I look like I’m drowning. So, right now I need to float and wait and listen for the whispers of His voice.

  5. Denise, I find solace in knowing we are all dealing with some of the same struggles. I fell into my IT 4 years ago when I returned to school to become a teacher. Who would have known I would love it so much! In the beginning it was a means to an end as I was facing divorce and a new world as a single mom of a high schooler. I realized today, after all the emotional upheaval this week, that it brings me peace and utter joy to be with the little monsters. 🙂 I pray your IT finds you soon!

    • Thanks for sharing your story,Tracy. I have to agree that the little monster are pretty amazing. I hope they end up in my IT too. I miss them.

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