Freaking Out

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Freaking Out

“Ever wonder why there’s a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? Apparently there’s more traffic going to hell.” – Anonymous

This whole goal setting thing sucks. I’m somewhere around “Step Six” and I’m just kind of hating the whole thing. Mind you, I’m doing it and taking it seriously. I’m following the directions. I’m contemplating what I need to contemplate. I’m writing all the stuff down I’m suppose to write down.

My goals are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and all that jazz. I have no outlandish pie-in-the-sky goals. I’ve not set a goal to win an Oscar or be a billionaire or run a fortune 100 Company. I haven’t decided that 2013 will find me on the NY Times bestseller list or running a sub six minute mile or owning a country estate. Don’t get me wrong, if any of those things happen to happen, I’ll take it. The truth is the goals I’ve set for myself keep the bar set a bit low.

Instead of being excited about what I plan to accomplish in 2013, I’m thinking about these extremely reasonable and doable goals and freaking myself out. As I think about all the work and change necessary to reach these goals, I keep reminding myself how happy I currently am. I keep focusing on all the good and wonderful in my life right now. I keep wondering if I really need to change anything.

I’m extremely good at doing what I currently do and being who I currently am. I’ve worked really hard this past year to crack myself open and wrestle some of the trolls that were lurking in the shadows. I’m really good at being a somewhat-healthy-if-not-a-wee-bit-chubby-middle-age-wife-and-mother-who-sometimes-makes-some-cash-on-the-side-and-writes-something-on-the-old-blog-each-week. Isn’t that enough?

As I become progressively more stressed out, as I continue to get more and more freaked, as I guess and second guess the validity of these goals, I have to ask myself, “why all the drama?” I’ve never been one to shy away from hard work. I don’t mind breaking a sweat. If tasked, I will be one of the first to show up and among the last to leave. So, it’s here where I begin to realize the freaking out is all about the having to change, again.

After a long year of delving deep and really dealing with my stuff, I’m tired. I look at this very short list and it just makes me even tireder.

Really isn’t enough if I just want to get my inbox to zero, finish reading the books that are piled up on my nightstand and that are weighing down my Kindle, and clean off my desk once and for all. Is it alright if all I want is my puppy to potty train and to stop using me as a chew toy. I mean I’d be happy if I could just get my couches recovered and go on a nice vacation.

All this being said, I know I have to do this goal thing. I know I have to press forward. I know if I don’t I’ll regret it. I know I don’t want anymore regret in my life.

I’ve reread the goals I’ve set. They are truly reasonable and truly reflect the logical next steps in my life. My start date isn’t until January 1, but I’ve already started to ease myself into my new goals. I’ll continue to do this. I don’t want to have to institute a bunch of new things all at once.

I know that the freak outs and the self doubt will continue to haunt me. All I can do is move through it just like I did before one step at a time. When I fall down, all I have to do is get back up and go again. As long as I move forward, it will be alright.

4 Comments

  1. Denise, I think what you’re going through is entirely normal considering you’ve introduced the “c” word (change) into your possibilities for 2013. Sometimes it’s just plain hard work. (I’m still working on that first pull up, if it’s any consolation, but you inspire me to keep at it!) Change doesn’t happen in a day. “Do today” and change will catch up with you. xo

    • Love that “do today.” I think that’s the key. Just keep doing knowing that the change happens gradually.

  2. Change is hard. And sometimes scary. Freaked out is okay. Unable to get out of bed… notsomuch.
    The nice thing is Rome wasn’t built in a day. Can’t eat an elephant with one bite… and all that jazz. The fact that you are moving… and in a good direction is key. Heck you were in the Nutcracker for cryin out loud!! Put THAT in your resume!

    • It’s the change and it’s also the fear that I’ll come up short. Tim Ferris recently said that his attitude is that even if he only makes 60% of his goal that he’s still that much ahead of where he would have been had he done nothing. I think this is the attitude I need to adopt.

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