Moving Forward

Posted on Apr 29, 2014 | 7 comments

Moving Forward

“All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe.” – Louise Hay

Yesterday, I woke up early and I sat in the pre-dawn hours, cup of turmeric tea close at hand, working on my May calendar. This monthly calendar ritual has become a favorite of mine. Frustrated with the limitations of every “time-keeping organizations” system on the market, I eschewed them all and created my own.

It’s a time consuming task, but I love it. Using a Moleskin, I carefully write each day and date on the top of each right hand page. Then on the top left side of every single page I write a daily affirmation. Finally, I fill in appointments I’ve already confirmed for the month leaving a space to list my accomplishments for that day.

I also have a monthly calendar pages for appointments and to help with long range planing. I tuck both into a leather portfolio given to me many years ago by a mentor. The the smell of the leather, the sound of the pen scratching out the details of my life, and the turning of each page filled with promise for the future centers me.

The night before my husband and I had a long talk. He has lovingly supported and encouraged me to find my path. I’ve been searching for my direction, but after several false starts (via career paths that were not good fits for me), it would be fair to say I’m a bit cautious. I don’t want to end up investing time and energy into something else that in the end does not ring true.

So for the past few years, I’ve treaded lightly. I’ve looked, listened, and contemplated. I’d like to be able to say that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt where I’ll end up, but I can’t. Not, yet. But things are getting clearer. I’m beginning to own my truth.

In addition, we’ve been able to set things up at home so that I can guiltlessly take more time to delve into these interests I’m pursuing. My responsibility gene is large. It’s difficult for me to pull away from that which I think I need to do and focus on that which I was put here to do. My husband was adament, “if not now, then when?”

I knew he was right.

So, I gave myself permission to lean in a bit. I decided I would take the time and invest. I made appointments with myself to learn and explore. It was scary but exhilarating, and as I finished planning out the month it felt right…very, very, right.

Literally at the moment I closed my May Moleskin feeling braver and more convicted then I ever had, my phone rang. It was my husband. One of key pieces we had in place allowing me to guiltlessly take more time to delve into these interests I’m pursuing had fallen away.

I tried to stay in gratitude, but I was livid. At the exact moment that I leaned in, the bottom fell out. I spent a most of the day racking my mind for a back-up plan, that is when I wasn’t fighting back tears or ranting about the unfairness of it all.

It was not some of my finest moments.

I capped the day with a bit of bad TV, then crawled into bed exhausted. I woke up this morning still angry. Normally I meditate first. Today, I checked my email and popped onto Facebook for a few minutes to make sure everyone was safe and sound.

Then I meditated.

I could hear my dogs, who are always close, breathing gently. I could feel the warmth of their bodies. I allowed all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the hurt and anger and confusion to drain from my body and as I sat, empty, I realized that key piece in place or not, nothing had really changed.

There’s always going to be a bump or a wrinkle to work around. Life is in flux. Life is always in flux. Always.

I just have to stay my course. I have to stay in gratitude. I have to accept what is. I have to keep moving forward in spite of the fear…that’s called brave.

So, that’s the plan. Whether the bottom is there or not, it doesn’t matter. The details always work themselves out. I’m staying focused. I’m moving forward.

7 Comments

  1. Gah. That is so me. Except for the letting the anger and hurt drain… I tend to let it pool up and abscess. Not a pretty picture.
    I so appreciate everything you journaled today… I love me some Moleskin too! I have been much in the same place. Held a bit hostage to a career I’m not sure I’m well suited for, but for now, it is what it is.
    New ventures not exactly panning out for me. Finances for sure, but fear/uncertainty too. Is this what a mid-life crisis looks like??
    Thanks for sharing your life. So appreciate your honesty and transparency. Out of the struggle comes growth. Praying this time of stretching and struggling nets you great gains.

    • Thank you for your kind words. I like that you have new ventures. I think that’s key to keep venturing until we create our groove. Godspeed to you too, my friend.

  2. I was so excited to see a blog post from you in my mail this morning! I miss reading your wisdom, and loved this post as always. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  3. Denise, the struggles you’ve experienced always seem tempered by writing. More specifically, by putting pen to paper to plan ahead or sort out the aftermath. Please write down everything that comes into your pretty lil’ head! When you do that, you’re fulfilling your purpose… and in turn, you’re helping me (and many others) fulfill ours. Keep writing!

    P.S. Tell you hubby thanks for encouraging you.

    • Thanks, Kim. Hopefully, someday it’ll mean something and all make sence.

  4. So sorry to hear about your bump in the road. It reminds me to sit in gratitude every single day. Keep writing. Keep writing.

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