Now…

I’ve been waiting for now for a very long time. And now is here and I’m thrilled with the excitement and possibilities. So, many changes with so many more to come. For the first time, I feel calm and centered in the middle of the storm.

“Sometimes the way back up is down.” – Jack Doneghy

I climbed down into the crevasse. I wallowed in the darkness and shined my light in the darkest corners. Every time I was terrified, I stepped forward. Every time I was challenged, I accepted the call. Every time I was lost and confused, I regrouped and kept moving sometimes forward, often backwards, and finally (on the best days) sideways.

I let go of my goals, my ambitions, and my desires. I let go of my pre-conceived notions of how things are suppose to work, look, and be.  I realized that I have no control except in how I choose to think, act, and feel moment to moment. I let go of being well-rounded and leaned into passion.

I have no idea what will happen. I have no inkling of my fate. I will do the only thing I can do. I will do the thing that is right in front of me that most needs to be done. I will relish in it and find joy in it and do whatever it is to the best of my ability. Then I’ll let it go.  I accept that the God / the Universe has a bigger dream for me then I can dream for myself. I turn my self over to the fate chosen for me.

I will make new friends, learn new skills, and have new experiences. I will work hard and learn much as I embark on the projects I’m charged to complete. Every thing will be reconfigured and anything not needed, not necessary, not vital will be let go. I will hold with love the things that add happiness and value and love and bless them.

“You have to love the hell that your in, before you can leave.” – Danielle LaPorte

So, I bless the crevasse. I thank the darkness. I give love to the fear. While I prefer that my teachers to be pretty and soft and smell like lavender, I realize and accept that sometimes the best lessons come from the teachers who lie and are corrupt. The ones who cheat, bully, and steal. I bless them both equally.

But the most important thing I do is I forgive myself. I forgive myself for being slow to learn. I forgive myself for being frightened and scared and uncertain. I forgive myself for not listening, not following, not always doing what I was tasked to do. But mostly, I forgive myself for actually ever believing that I was in control.