The Otherside

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The Otherside

“What I do know is that if we open fully to these moments, there is something exquisite wrought in the heart.” – Kathleen Prophet

Most mornings I wake up long before the sun rises, throw on my Altras, and take my dog, Roxanne, on an hour long walk. Sometimes we go longer but never a minute shorter. She needs to burn off the energy. She’s a German Shepherd bred to spend days herding whatever needs to be herded. Being cooped up in suburbia is not to her liking.

We walk in silence my dog and I. Side by side we cut through the predawn chill. In between houses and trees, I search for signs of the lightening sky. Roxanne carefully scours the terrain of our sleeping neighborhood. Alert to every movement, she is ever watchful for any danger that might present itself.

As I move through the darkness, I express my gratitude one item at a time for all the wonderful that fills my life. As the sky begins to gray, I affirm whatever needs affirming. Finally, as the gray turns to light, I pray for those I love and for those who do everything they can to be unlovable. I also ask for a little patience for myself.

Everything, and I do mean everything, is going extremely well. I’m happy, happy in what I would quantify as delirious levels of happiness. The husband and the kids are thriving and making progress in their own pursuits. My j-o-b is good and other projects I’m working on are starting to take form and shape.

In spite of this, I feel extremely raw. I feel invisible and voiceless. I feel pressed. There are so many things stirring deep inside and try as I might I can’t share them. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t find the words to adequately express the feelings.

Once again I’m on the edge of an abyss and I know, I KNOW the only way to get to the other side is to go through it. There is no way around. THERE. IS. NO. WAY. AROUND. I always have to option of sitting here, stuck forever in this funk, and pretending that everything is great. That’s not the life I want. Instead, I will step into the unknown, into what I can’t see but can only feel, into the darkness I can’t yet name.

I spent years, too many years, stuck, afraid, and refusing to budge but no more.  I will let go of all the crap that will slow me down and hold me back. I will lean forward and move into this unknown with eyes wide open. I will deal with whatever needs to be dealt with. I will go through it.

The first time was the scariest. I thought I was going to die. I learned that not only could they not eat me, they could not kill me either and regardless of the outcome, lessons were learned. I was better for the experience.

The only way to get through it is to go through it. There are no shortcuts.

Part of me feels like I need to hide. I won’t. Part of me wants respite, but there will be none of that until I’m on the otherside. So, I will continue to stand tall and be seen even as I move closer to this darkness, as I drop into the abyss, as I move through the deep darkness to the other side.

4 Comments

  1. Denise, I was tickled to see that you prefaced your post with Kathleen’s quote. Wise words — hers and yours. Your openness will help you find your way through the voiceless invisibility. I’ve been feeling the same way… on the verge.

    • Kathleen is full of wisdom. I could quote her for days.

  2. Moving through and with these moments…hours…days…weeks, has served me well as I navigate both the dark and the light in my life. The longer I live, the more evidence I have that there is always the other side. I feel that energy in this post and I applaud you for writing your way through some of the brambles. “There are no shortcuts.” Wise words, indeed. Thank you.

  3. How wonderful that you’re delirious happy and also at the edge of the abyss. Thank you for shining light on your journey. It helps us readers sees where we are in ours. Yes, the only way to get through it, is to get through it.

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